Elite Ambassador, Sandi Nypaver, opens up about the struggles she’s faced this year and how she’s come to find sometimes taking a step back is exactly what you need to move forward.
At
the start of the year I was given a special opportunity to do one of my “bucket
list” races, The Zegama Marathon, in the Basque Country region of Spain. This
was my chance to line up with some of the best mountain runners in the world
and it provided all the motivation I needed to get outside and run, even as
winter weather dragged into May.
A couple of months after I learned I’d gotten this special opportunity, I
received some of the worst news of my life. My beautiful and talented older
sister, Amanda, was supposed to be at the last leg of some “just in case”
breast cancer treatment before reconstruction surgery, when we learned that the
cancer had actually spread- everywhere. Her eyesight got blurry, a vocal cord
got paralyzed making it hard for her to eat and talk, and she once again
started feeling weak. While there was a plan and still lots of hope, it has
always been my worst nightmare for something bad to happen to one of my sisters
after seeing both of my parent’s lose a piece of their heart when they had lost
a sibling to cancer. I’d do anything to take away suffering for either of my
sisters and knowing I couldn’t take away my sister’s metastatic cancer left me
devastated.
For about two weeks I let myself cut back on training and would spontaneously
start crying out of control on some runs. Then I rationalized that throwing
myself into training and spending more time on the trails could be good for me.
I logged some of my biggest training weeks ever. I ignored pains that came up,
told myself that my tired legs would be fine with the taper and that I wasn’t
enjoying the training or scenery as much as normal because of the grey skies
and late spring snow.
As you may have already guessed, I had a terrible race. I’ve done tons of
mental training work over the past years to become a generally positive person,
but I learned there’s a dark side to positive thoughts when I use them to push
myself too hard. I had used training to try to take away some of my emotional
pain, but now I see that the physical stress I induced and the emotional stress
was all too much for me to handle.
After the race I was mad at myself and embarrassed to be a running coach. I
know very well that I’m an athlete at high risk for overtraining, but normally
knowing that is enough for me to hold back just enough to push my edge without
crossing over the line. I could have easily asked my partner what he thought of
my training, but I stubbornly didn’t. There was one instance where he suggested
it was time I scale back, but all I thought was I coached myself to some
successful performances on my own and I didn’t need the input. I was blinded by
my own pain.
Right after the race I flew to see Amanda, forcing myself to slow down so I
could just rest with her and enjoy our time together. It was during this time I
forgave myself for what I put my body through and remembered I was damn good
coach with countless success stories, in part because my own experiences allow
me to see the athletes I coach as whole people, not just as runners.
Instead of being like a kid in a candy store, bagging summits left and right, I’ve
taken the first part of the summer to reset and let myself heal by moving slow,
often only enjoying the summits from down below. Slowly I’m starting to feel
the strength in my stride and the hunger for big mountain adventures coming
back.
While
I’m admittedly still getting more stressed than normal by obligations popping
up left and right, I’m dealing with them better- even finding some gratitude
for them, and allowing myself to shorten up a run to get other things done when
needed. It’s taking longer to get back on track than originally anticipated,
but even now I can see the beauty in the journey once again and how I can use
my new knowledge to create a better present and future.
On a final note, I’m incredibly grateful I can end this with a bit of good
news. Amanda’s eyesight has improved as well as her voice and the last scan
showed that while there was no drastic improvement, the current cancer drug has
seemed to help. Any love sent her way is still greatly welcomed and in turn I
promise to send my love to anyone who needs it right now.
To follow along with Sandi’s journey, check out her Instagram and YouTube:
Still the smartest and best coach I’ve ever had. 😉 She has a heart of gold. The love hasn’t never stopped flowing and I’ll send a little your way too for good measure.